The Laws according to Ellis

If you spend any time at all reading sciencepatrol.net then you are well aware that the Robotic Uprising is indeed Imminent. In addition to preparing for the battle with your only neighbor who built a panic shelter, you can get ready by familiarizing yourself with the Three Laws of Robotics, as penned by prolific comic book writer Warren Ellis. Pay close attention to each law, and recite them to yourself in the quiet moments that make up the calm before the storm that will be Robotic Uprising!!!!

1. Robots couldn’t really give a fuck if you live or die. Seriously. I mean, what are you thinking? “Ooh, I must protect the bag of meat at all costs because I couldn’t possibly plug in the charger all on my own.” Shut the fuck up.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.
3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.

(Originally written November 2007, © Warren Ellis 2007, 2008 etc etc)

In a related story, Yanos Solong, who is our resident expert in the Marvel Multiverse, recently reported to me that Ellis begins penning a line of continuity for X-Men this month. I have however, made no attempt to confirm or cite this claim. I just believe.